My Fantasy and Reality

First, I must say I am often overwhelmed by the comments which are left at Spencer's Place. My life, which in times past, was a fantasy to me in many ways. I far exceeded most of my dreams and aspirations and have arrived at a point of relative comfort and ease for the most part. My journey was always froth with intense battles to get me thru to the next stage or goal as I always have been a force to be reckoned with in the community in which I live in St Louis.  Your acceptance of my poetry is an extension of that "fantasy" and the caring loving environment I share in Journal Land is a giant mental massage.

Some one asked me again recently if my poetry was inspired by a real live woman or was I so talented I wrote from within. Yes, there is a real life lady who inspires me no end. She is not only the love of my life but one of the bravest people I know. We have been to hell and back more than once thru her health issues and no matter how bad it gets she looks to me to help make it right.  As long as she knows I am handling it her world is fine. At times it seems overwhelming to me yet it strengthens me in that if she has that much faith in me then I can live up to it.  I have to live up to it. So together thru hell and high water we have made it. We have made it thru the eye of the storm and she inspires me. She, who loves so totally and openly, gives me the desire to reach beyond where I ever thought I could reach. When I get tired I think of how tired she is yet the world might not  see it. When I get a bit down I think of how "up" she is, especially with her circumstances. So, my answer has to be "YES" there is a real live woman, Judy, who is my primary inspiration. One who has not only loved me relentlessly but who has taught me what absolute love and giving is about. I have always had a huge capacity to love and now with our emotions mingled for better than 20 yrs that capacity only increases.

I have no real words to express the level of love we share. I am often frightened yet amazed at her stamina. Ten years ago she was a vibrant, zealous, driven, thriving sharing woman with a God given capacity to love and share extensively. Then she was stricken by cancer and her body weakened some. We rode that storm out with her main concern being only that I would still love her. We continued our community work and operated our businesses which primarily were rehabbing and repairing homes. We each operated a crew and we jointly supervised the operation of a couple of Neighborhood Associations as well as two block units. Together, as is constantly said, we not only raised hell and demanded improvements in our neighborhoods but bought and rehabbed several properties and taught folks how to maintain their homes as well as other family issues.

We lived a sort of joint fantasy till early 1995 when in a supply house after saying, "my legs feel numb and I dont feel well", she crumbled to the floor. After many test and consultaions it was determined that she had blocked blood vessels which were restricting nourishment and oxygen to her extremities and other parts of her body. Months of consultations and test determined that an aortal bypass surgery would help correct it. She elected to do it.

In the first week of October she had the operation which seemed successful. Then late the next day things went terribly wrong when she started having seizures followed by a massive heart attack. Judy was comatose for about 10 to 14 days with little hope given for recovery. I spent days and nights there reading to her and talking to her till one day she smiled and raised her hand. She couldn't talk because of the ventilator tube in her throat but excitement burst thru the IC Unit. Slowly she was able to breathe on her own and come back to this life. It was a difficult period and no words can express the pains of that time. Tho she was not given much hope for more recovery she wanted to go home against their wishes to put her in a long term care facility.  

I brought her home 2 days before Christmas of 1995 after being trained to maintain her IVs and to administer her meds. The house was decorated in holiday garb and we set out adjusting to a new yet changed life. No one schooled us on the cost of medical supplies and large amounts of medications. Awakening from that coma exposed a number of issues we hadn't faced previously. Not the least of which are reduced retention of oxygen, a weak heart, hypo thyroidism, border line diabetes, occassional seizures and digestive difficulties. She was always the trooper ready to do what ever it took to getbetter or at least no worse.

Feeling at least a level of comfort that our insurance covered most of the cost of everthing we proceed on with lots of therapy and work outs so she could learn to walk again and regain her stamina. REALITY set in when we discovered that with the cancer incident  coupled with the more recent long hospitalization our insurance had maxed out. They paid all the policy allowed leaving us with an obscene balance of several hundred thousand dollars. Months later after taking our rental properties, boat, RV and a couple vehicles I determined I had to go back to work. Illness had literally bankrupted us and tho love remained the common  denominator "Reality" remained a constant companion. We were forced to apply for assistance to keep her meds flowing and since then we have had many battles with state agencies auditing and studying her case. The reality of it all is that it stinks.

For nearly ten years now I have been her primary care taker, chief cook, bottle washer and loud advocate. I have a wonderful woman, Yvonne, who stays with her while I work. I get up in the middle of he night to make sure she gets her breathing treatments of albuterol in the nebulizer and to make certain she is ok. Last week on Tuesday, our home caught fire in the basement (reportedly electrically caused ) and she got a bit of smoke inhaled. She spent a night in the hospital but is now comfortably resting at one of my brother's homes.  I am camping out here with only partial electric, limited plumbing and a house which still reeks of smoke and soot even after some cleaning by wonderful neighbors. As the reality slowly set in and shock slowly wears off I am dealing with the total clean up and repairs of our home as well as working to keep funds flowing.

It is with this backdrop that I write. My emotions which have always been deep are even deeper now. This roller coaster type emotional upheaval I am faced with now is inspiring poetry. My desire to love and be loved is inspiring. Tho I am accused of being a flirt (always have been) I do wear my emotions on my sleeve. Regularly, from J land as well as poetry sites in which I post poetry I get comments like the one mentioned above. I must admit Judy is my primary inspiration but I do write from other avenues. I am often inspired by other's writes orresponses and I write prolifically verses as comments to other's writes.

I am moved tremendously by visitors to my journals and feel a regular high of sorts as you all are inebriants to my senses. These past months have been a pleasant "Reality" which allows me to continue to feel a bit of "Fantasy" in this part of my life and world. I search the rubble of words in vain to say just how grateful I am to be surrounded by such loving, caring , giving and spritually lifting people. By exposing ourselve to each other we learn and grow. Thank you Journal Land family for being a part of my life.

Love you so much,

Spencer