The Puzzle of Parenting

I rarely publish anything other than poetry but an article by Rebecca at her journal "Shadow of the Iris" moved me to respond to it with more words than allowed in the comment section. "The Puzzle of Parent"

http://journals.aol.com/justaname4me2/InTheShadowOfTheIris

 

 

There is nothing simple bout parenting. My daughters, now 32 and 35, are jewels to me and are still as close as when they were children. Tho I worked to get ahead they remained an integral part of my life with schedules arranged to include parent teachers meetings and other activities which were important to them. What I learned from the time they were babies was that all woman are not mother/parent people. I had grown up with the understanding that all woman, especially those who had children had some sort of innate gene which made them mothers and parents. I was sorely wrong. I found in their mother a person who never should have had children. Once the joy of having the birth over with I discovered in her a sense of being cramped or interrupted. She had no basic overwhelming joy in playing with our children or being freely a parent. I was the one who crawled on the floor with them. Played in the leaves and walked in the park with them. She missed the absolute thrill of "feeling" many milestones such as first steps and first words and was often too easy to allow anyone else to be in the place I felt she, their mom, should be. I don't actually believe it was any outward dislike but more a "lack" of whatever there is which is natural to parents towards their children. She just didn't have it inside her.

 

How does this relate to emotionally and/or physically absentee fathers? I don't know but I wonder if many dads are missing that parenting gene or whatever is inside "real parents" towards their children. Could it be that overwhelming feeling that children are for a woman's world. Beginning with pregnancy the woman is the star of the show. When the child is born they are the star of the show and this subordinate feeling carries on in some men till they do not "feel" important in the relationship which includes children. I am saying I do not know but I do recall friends who experienced deep feelings of lost while Mom and baby were in a world of their own. I have seen situations where the man is, in fact, closed out of participation with the babies.

 

No parent should act as only a biological contribution to the birth of a child but a full loving participant in that baby's life. The gene must have been within me cause I was always an elated emotionally driven father who participated in my daughter's lives. They did then and still do come to me as a confidant and parent and are only now developing a real relationship with their Mom. How a man or woman, for that matter, can dissect himself from his children's lives I have not the slightest understanding.

 

Especially if the couple has split up seems to me it would be easier for him to step up to the plate to close any potential gaps in his children's lives. But then maybe in my idealistic parenting world of belief many haven't reached that level of natural love and responsibility. From my point of view I can't imagine not wanting to be there with and for my children letting them know in certain terms their dad loves them and deems them most important.

 

Rebecca, I have no real answers for you but do feel the sadness and wonderment you shared in your article.

Hugs

Spencer