Understanding You/Others as asked by Gem

This is in response to Libragem's entry of the same name in her journal. Lots of questions I hope to address.  http://journals.aol.com/libragem007/JournallyYours/entries/826

How ironic I am up at the same time. Woke up feeling overwhelmed yet always planning the next step so things will go more smoothly. I am preparing a rental house to be livable so I can get Judy and I in it together to have some semblance of family life while our home is being repaired to a livable state.   Your questions: "what do you wish others would do to you (take that out, , or "for" you when something is going on in your life?    When is it not intrusive to offer help?   How would or how do I know when one going thru this needs help?   What kind of help can I do or should I do?   When is it gossip?   If I already know someone is having illness ...is asking  "How Are You?" still porper   Actually this is all about you.  

SPENCER'S COMMENTS:   When we suffer the loss of a loved one or finds one to have a serious or terminal illness or a long term debilatating illness I find some common desires I wish of others. To me, first and foremost, please do not offer help if you really do not mean it. You may have spoken out of pity or feelings of helplessness and the offer rolled from your tongue as a bit of chit chat which came from that awkward feeling.   Being helpful might include:  

- Look us in the eye. We are not lepers trying to steal  from you or spread some unholy disease or illness. We are/were normal happy people who became ill or crippled.  

 -Running errands for me. Once the home health aid has gone for the day Judy's health condition might be in such a delicate state that I can't risk leaving her alone. Even to the point that the doctor called in a prescription it might be too tenuous for me to leave even for a few minutes. I have to be creative and imaginative at times to make things work. Call a taxicab or order a pizza and have the delivery person stop by the pharmacy on the way with the food. I may have already eaten and don't want a pizza.  

 - Cook a meal and bring it. Send a pizza. Have a meal delivered. This provides relief of sorts no matter what the life changing event might be.  

- Be a willing listener. Often we just need to vent and get the traumatic feelings out. No arguments, no judgements, just listen. Often, tho many others live with similar situations, feelings as if we are the only ones who are experiencing this swell up inside.  

 - Be a friend not a distant former friend. Don't allow your embarrassment or feelings of pity to cause you to be distant.  

 - Do not pity me. Pity is indicative of lack of understanding and adds nothing to a relationship. The ill person as well as their care taker need to feel they are being bold, brave and progressive and pity only stems that growth and progress because it is like a mirror. It is as if one is being told they are so helpless or so sick there just is no hope. No one can live comfortably with out hope. Hope gives us something to look forward to. Hope allows us to establish and attain goals. No matter how small they may seem to others. We must reach goals to feel we are making progress. We don't need your pity to kill our hope.  

- Give 'em a little brake. We all need a little private time. Perhaps to go sit in the park. Take a ride. Window shopping. To go fishing. To take a walk. We all need some private time away from the ill person, the new baby or what ever. So, in your thoughts of help be willing to sit for awhile to allow the care giver some time.  

- Be dependable! Do not promise to do something and not do it. Both the ill person and their care giver are always emotionally charged and disappointments, no matter how small they seem to others, are traumatic to them. It may have been days since they needed to do something or to run an errand and your promise to do it is always a welcome relief and an appreciated act. Be dependable. Your promise to do it might have been the highlight of an otherwise dull or sad day. Your failure to fulfill your promise is just as depressive and maybe moreso. It might be a trigger to cause a deeper depressive state. If you dont mean it don't offer.  

- Call just to say, "I was thinking about you." We so often feel alone against the world because our lives are not normal as compared to others. Can't just up and go out with friends, shopping or to sporting events with family or friends. It takes planning.  

- Think about it before you act it or give it. Consider that the care giver and the ill person must do lots of planning before doing what you do as a matter of fact.  I recently had to speak unpleasantly with an acquaintance who thought they were being thoughtful and helpful. He gave us a gift certificate weeks ago to a restuarant he enjoyed. Yet, when I called the eatery, I found out the restroom was on the second floor level and the wheel chair ramp was in the rear thru an alley making it not conducive for me to take her there to eat.  He called with a frustrated attitude because to him he felt I was snobbing his good will when in fact there was no way we could use his gift certificate at that place. He had purchased it on his charge and it would not get posted until it was used. He meant well but never considered a simple thing like where is the restroom located which most of us don't need to consider.  

- Yes, you can always ask, "How AreYOU". Please do. It allows a little feeling that someone cares. We feel so isolated at times.  

- Don't be intimidated by health equipment like walkers, wheelchairs, canes, potty chairs, ramps, oxygen or the like. All these items make life easier for the ill person and their care giver. It may seem to you the house is like a hospital room but we live here and anything which helps us is good. It might be a little inconvenient to you. You are a temporary visitor. We are here all the time.  

- If you find something to complain about maybe you can help solve it. A neighbor noticed my grass was longer than normal so one day when I returned from work he had cut the grass. And we have a huge yard. He knew Judy had been having increased breathing trouble lately and figured I was too tired to deal with the yard. He was right.  

Finally, IT IS NEVER INTRUSIVE TO OFFER HELP BUT DO IT. HELP IS ALWAYS NEEDED. ASK IF YOU REALLY WISH TO KNOW WHAT HELP IS NEEDED.  

Gem, I appreciate the inquiry you wrote here and I hope my comments are helpful to you and allow a peep inside the world in which we live with major illness. It is always a draining event, a lonesome type situation, full of emotional highs and lows and any and all help is always appreciated. I use my lonesome time to spread as much love thru poetry as I can while she is asleep or in a state of non presence.  

Thank you for thinking about those of us who live in different worlds from you.
Be blessed.
Spencer       -